Saturday, January 3, 2009

sorry to anyone eagerly awaiting an update. i've been fairly busy/lazy these days. i've also been pretty frustrated and kind of down in the dumps lately as well. i guess it was just so much easier to keep my chin up with so much activity going on earlier in this ordeal. but as of late its been (surprise) a bunch of waiting and phone tag and bullshit. the doctor running the trial at sloan kettering wants me to have a scan of my brain to check for growths there, and also an echocardiogram to see how my heart is doing. a scan of my brain is something my parents and i have been pushing for almost since the get go, but doctors here deemed it unnecessary. apparently dr. adkins here in st. louis doesnt like to work too hard. we tried going through his office to get these tests ordered, but attempts from my parents AND dr. wexler in new york to reach him for the past two or three weeks have been fruitless. i recently visited my primary care physician, dr. rana, earlier this week because i've been having an unusually hard time sleeping as of late. thankfully she is on my side, and ordered both an MRI for my brain and an echocardiogram right there on the spot. the MRI i had done yesterday. i'll have the results in my hands wednesday morning when i go back to have my ECG. i literally owe this woman (dr. rana) my life. she cared enough to treat the initial x-ray of my lungs with the seriousness it deserved. and since day one she has been THE most helpful person. anything i need, it is done. no bullshit.

and as i hinted to earlier, all of this has been taking a great toll on me mentally. obviously the support came pouring in at the beginning of this, and perhaps i disillusioned myself into believing this would be a piece of cake. but the past couple of weeks have been very hard. as i said before, i went to my doctor because sleep was becoming a luxury to me. she offered me anti-depressants to help ease my mood and perhaps make sleep easier. but these would take about six weeks to kick in, and by then i HOPE to be in this study, and i'm certain that i will be unable to take any other medications. so she gave me ambien, which is working well. but for the rest of the day, i'm usually a wreck of nerves. anxiety is ravaging me physically and mentally. the ambien allows me to fall asleep quickly, but then getting out of bed the next day is a whole different story. my appetite (while always healthy, to put it lightly) has been out of control lately. to put it bluntly, i feel like i am losing control. i feel like my grip on life is slipping. there is also a sense of despair and helplessness from certain people's lack of interest or willingness to help or just plain do their fucking jobs. and yes, i'm pretty much exclusively talking about dr. adkins. this strikes an old nerve of dealing with people that seem to have no passion about me or my well being. this all compounds my discontent of and growing impatience to get out of the mid-west for a few weeks. i'll have to live in new york for three or four weeks for the initial phase of the trial. which will be great. all my family, my wonderful girlfriend, and the best city on the planet. i cant wait.

i've always been a pretty impatient person. when i want something, i want it now. and now more-so than ever, i want my health, i want my life, and i want to live.

1 comment:

douceurdevie said...

my mom had dr. adkins and can i just say..
ruuuuuunnnn!
i am very glad you are going with the doctor and treatments in new york and glad your primary physician is so compassionate and helpful.
it was good to see you last night.
you're in my thoughts always and definitely let me know if you need anything ever!

-laura