alright, so i saw my oncologist earlier today. it was a big important meeting about what path i'll be taking as far as treatment goes.

we compared my CAT scan from late september to the one i just had yesterday. in addition to some of the nodules growing at a fairly steady rate, it appears that new ones have formed as well. two of which are quite large, one being almost an inch wide. thankfully they are not close to any major airways, which could eventually cause serious breathing problems. he once again gave his opinion that surgery would be of little benefit given the number of significantly larger nodules. we also posed to him the theory of lung transplant, but unfortunately with as advanced as the cancer was when first discovered, it is quite likely that it will simply show up again in my lungs or another vital organ. so as he had made clear to me earlier, i will probably be dealing with this in one form or another for the rest of my life.

so it seems the best avenue is to begin chemotherapy. i'll know for certain if this is what will happen after i see a doctor at the sloan-kettering cancer center in new york on tuesday. unless his opinion greatly differs from that of my oncologist here, i will get the ball rolling on chemo before the end of the year. financially its better, since i've obviously already met my deductible amount for this year and might as well get as much out of it as i can.

the chemo drugs recommended to me wont be too extreme, but there is the possibility of the usual side effects (nausea, fatigue, hair loss). yes, hair loss. yes, my beard. i'm not too siked about that one. but i guess i gotta suck it up.

obviously its not the best news in the world, but this puts my impatience at rest for the moment. probably the most frustrating thing for me personally is the seemingly crawling pace of this entire process. i really felt things were moving quite nicely in the beginning, especially around the time of my surgery. but since then its been a lot of waiting and bouncing from one doctor's office to another. but i can take some comfort in knowing almost certainly what exactly i have ahead of me in the near future.

not to mention i now know just what to tell all my amazing friends showing their overwhelming concern and compassion for me through all of this. its simply indescribable to hear from and about perfect strangers doing their part to help me through this. in such a dark moment as this, it would be easy to hold my head in my hands and cry "why me?" but i havent let myself do that yet. those two words (why me) would simply drive me crazy if it let them. but it is this tidal wave of support and love that has re-affirmed my once dying beliefs in karma and the good nature of people. i can not think of any point in my life where i deliberately tried to infringe on the happiness of someone else who did not TRULY deserve it. and i think that all the good i have done in the past is now coming back around for me at the time where i absolutely need it. i've never been the most optimistic person around, but i guess i was just saving all that positivity for right now.