i'm fortunate to say that i've been doing a hell of a job keeping my chin up through all of this. but this is certainly not getting any easier. as i said in an earlier post, there were possible troubles ahead with my insurance. turns out that i now have to pay an insurance premium thats over twice of what it previously was, becuase i'm unfortunately not a robot, and was unable to keep an average of 30 hours a week at work while seeing almost a half dozen doctors and then having surgery on my leg, which i still have not fully recovered from. i guess thats health care in america these days. "congratulations, you are eligible to pay for health care benefits. just dont get too sick or we'll make you pay a whole lot more, or just drop you like a bad habit."

i have to admit, i hadnt shed a single tear until last week. when i heard the news about this insurance scheme, i was furious. i called my mom to make her aware of what was going on. in the course of our conversation, she mentioned that one of my grandmothers is so upset by this whole situation that she cant bring herself to even speak of it. i began to choke up, but held back since i was at work at the time. my dear friend scott read my blog post on myspace about the whole situation, and told me i could drink on his dime that night. naturally, i took him up on his offer and got plastered. a healthy combonation of whiskey and good friends took me away from all the frustrations i was feeling. driving back from the bar, i remember babbeling about all of this to my girlfriend. i'm not sure what set me off (i believe it was mentioning my grandmother), but all of a sudden the waterworks kicked on in full effect. it was a culmonation of the weight i've been bearing since being diagnosed coupled with realizing how many people cared for me so deeply. it was the first time in years i had cried, and it was one of the most cathartic experiences of my life. it was a beautiful thing, to know that depsite whatever i may be facing, i have great and loyal friends who can take me away from any pain i may be suffering and put a smile on my face.

ever since that night, i can feel myself getting a little verclemped when i think about all the things that the people around me are doing. the people and bands involved in my benefit shows is a great example. i have a terrible feeling that i'll be sobbing like a baby when those shows come around. but its alright. aside from my drunken epiphany, i really cant think of any other instances in my life when i shed tears of joy. its a powerful and beautiful thing that i can not say i am ashamed of.